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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

crazy thoughts























my friend posted a note on facebook one day, inviting anyone in the online network/community to comment on why her brain must be 'filled with craziness…' i wondered if she was looking for a serious answer or an ironic one, but realized that my most serious answer was inescapably ironic:

truth can be used to misdirect us, leading to the intense inner conflict that is the direct result of the right things being used the wrong way in order for the wrong conclusions to be drawn from the right arguments… that’s why we call it crazy.

the irony is that somehow it’s what we want.

if this misdirection feeds our misery, it’s because we somehow find comfort and stability in that; if it feeds our faithlessness, it’s because we prefer the doubts- embrace them even; if it feeds our sense of self-loathing or worthlessness or victimization, it’s because these things appeal to us more than their alternatives.

this irony is the thing that I find more perplexing than pretty much anything else in the human condition... but paul did too. in his letter to the roman church, chapter 7, verses 15-25, he shares probably the most frank and encouraging thing he has ever written.

it's a source of real hope as long as we can make it all the way to the end... to push through the despair that causes one to shout "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" (7.24) to finally conclude with "Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (7.25)

***
it's just an ordinary day on the prairie
i feel the wind blow through my hair
and i know you use these times when i feel lonely

to show me that you really care

and i can feel your spirit
just like the power of the wind
and i can hear you whisper as you call my name

i'm beginning to understand


the daily burdens, they grow so heavy

at times i feel i may stumble and i may fall

then to feel your presence there to remind me

that i don't have to bear it all


and i can feel your spirit
just like the power of the wind
and i can can hear you whisper as you call my name

i feel it when you take my hand


(selah)

but you know me, sometimes i get bothered

and i get feeling that all i can do is wrong
finally in my anguish i cry out to you
only to find
that you were waiting there all along

('windsong' was the first song i wrote in this part of the country. i was 19 and had just left home for college. apparently some things never really change... nor do some people. i'd probably choose different words today, but be saying basically the same thing.)



3 Comments:

At 12/21/2009, Blogger Cinder said...

"but you know me, sometimes i get bothered
and i get feeling that all i can do is wrong
finally in my anguish i cry out to you
only to find that you were waiting there all along" (jb)

these words bring a huge reminder and comfort as this week begins. because even though i start each week with the best of intentions, the daily occurences of life bring forth tests and challenges, some of which end up causing me to fall, sin and/or default to the negatives. yet as each day ends, there's great comfort in knowing that no matter what those around me feel or think about me, He's always there, never having left, no matter what's went on...speaking words of peace and encouragement, pushing me on to the next day...one with a clean slate and where the sky's the limit.

but the biggest challenge for me in that is, like what Paul said, being able to face the fact i've fallen, to push through the negativity, pick myself up and see that next day with the eyes of God and not through the lenses of my fallenness.

 
At 12/23/2009, OpenID societyvs said...

We're all a bit crazy I think...thinking from one end of the human spectrum to the other end...a mangled mess of human thought and emotion of which we try to piece together into sensical ideas (a paradigm). Maybe that's a little over-dramatic but you get the picture.

I think we need to side of us that is not so sure - we need to doubt - it causes change - and change can be just as good as being content sometimes.

As for doubting one's self worth - it happens - but I never found that a very safe place to bargain from.

 
At 12/30/2009, Blogger jollybeggar said...

"As for doubting one's self worth - it happens - but I never found that a very safe place to bargain from." (sVs)

no doubt

 

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